Christmas Time Is Here

It's the time of the year again when you cannot help but reflect upon your past and wonder where the heck did the year go? This never means that everything was ever so peachy keen but it does reveal something about yourself in how you perceived the year.

So much has happened for me it's hard to imagine and even more is to come next year. I look forward to the year as much as I question the upcoming events. I worry sometimes about my life and the issues coming at hand. I cannot help but wonder about my future with everything that has occurred but it could just be the first year. Life is rough, nothing is easy, but a bit more would not be a bad thing. I need to find that calm, that center that I used to have. I have not truly been myself in so long I believe I forgot who I was. In the midst of all that I met someone and married them. Regret ensued...

Being on hiatus is such a personal and particular thing to describe I will leave it to my mind alone, but it does have me wondering much on the subject. I do not dread the future, but wonder the outcome with such interesting potential. I wonder about the differences we have and how others manage. Perhaps it is just the time that we are in with everything being so busy and life just more than what I want it to be right now. I said I would wait but I did not and this is where the multiple personality problem comes in. I am a student, I'm still in school, and frankly not ready for responsibility of this magnitude but I'm dealing. *sigh*

There has been a saving grace with a recent appearance of an old essence that I had believed had gone on hiatus as well but it is alive and well. Time and patience is the making of a great man and I have neither but I am developing. TO possible die tomorrow eliminates the time and patience but to know that all is still well in His hands helps. It is the winter, dolphinus is high in the sky, allowing anything to be possible.

"And so this is Christmas" and we should only be talking about the good things in life. I look forward to this time and the end of year, to start a new. It is almost as I wait for it because there is not other time to begin. A new beginning, a life on my own although still a student. Adaptation is almost complete, just a bit longer. It is what it is and we must accept that.

Still, what is to come? I eagerly await the summer to see which side reveals itself in the end and what outcomes may occur. Nothing is certain and my history shows that anything is possible, but there is a timing that sometimes must be waited for.

_nate c.

Truth and Faith

Truth and faith. There is a unique connection in that they have no actual relation yet technically it is what everyone believes. Faith is alone while truth is never certain. The fact is truth is obvious and faith is only what we make it. Nothing more nor less unless we so choose. We are human but as such we need to accept the fact. not everything is so clearly defined. Free will was created for a reason, so that we can understand. We can learn and know beyond the obvious, where faith lies being an underlying of truth. God is in everything. That is truth. Faith is that we can see Him.

We're adults.

When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

Circle of Trust

Trust is an interesting thing. How can you ever know it's there and how can you know that it will ever exist? In world of secrets what really is truth? We grow up being raised following a belief that may never actually be or that may not be soon. My personal favorite example is Pluto. For twelve years I was taught that Pluto was a planet...well, more so actually, but never the less. Out of no where a few people wearing their newly acquired pocket protectors with their transition glasses atop their heads or being fidgeted with in their as they debate that such a truth may actually have been a mistake all along. This also bring us to the atom of which was the smallest physical entity until they split it and oops, our mistake again.

It's in this simplicity of lies and false information that how can anyone believe what is said and what is put out there with the controls that exists and the sad simplicity o most people's minds there is no way they can comprehend the massive amounts of knowledge that actually exists.

I bring these thought forward because of the upcoming election. What information do we truly have of what it is these gentlemen intentions are? We have their word and that alone. The idea of the media is a joke as there have been many times stories and information take awhile to hit the news or somewhere one’s country’s news is another’s false information. Press TV, an Iraqi news source, has stated that 16 US soldiers have committed suicide. American soldiers. I sit here, after feeding the information to numerous democratic friends, knowing that such information will used to fuel their fire of the war in Iraq. No worries, they belonged to an airborne division that has not existed since the Second World War. Only problems arising from this news is the fact it’s an Iraqi news source posted in English, and quite bad English at that. Of course my latter reasoning may not be enough to implicate the fact this news is false and completely absurd but the now deleted information of the airborne division number, that only Middle Eastern countries’ news agencies have the story, and that there is no 57^th division over there should be enough proof this is false.

So what is truth? From this we can deduct that that 16 soldiers committed suicide. While that information has some possible standing, 16 at once? Technically the article says 21 but 5 were saved. Interesting how they get the word committed and attempted so confused. Truth is that this is enemy propaganda. How can we know this? Do we expect our news to truly be allowed to report anything? Considering this has hit the internet they have the ability to find and research it. The fact that there is still no news means this is not news. Do I need to make it clearer or are we still going to believe that this is more reason to pull out?

Do not mistake this as an ad for McCain, that simply to form an argument one must have facts; facts that do not solely pertain to information read in a newspaper or seen on TV. Then of course how can one form an argument when the only way to gain information is via the media? Simple, you obtain it through non media specialists. One way is first hand and if you cannot go there, try second hand if you happen to know someone. This is how knowledge is truly gained and it does not come from just reading books. The idea is to not believe everything fed to one simple by words but form an opinion about the information given then use said information along with more and combine a defined argument. Want to know what someone said; research for the full text and not just a snip it. Stop with the quotes and finish the sentence. The fact is that people do not take the time to care and learn and rather elaborate on the information that has no idea about. They go off repeating what may or may not be true but simply stating it as is and bringing nothing to the table with it.

I honestly could not care less who you vote for. That’s a lie but I’m sure you believed it for a second thinking that I just cared you vote. Honestly I rather you not if you could not sit down and type a page or even half a page as to why the person you voted for should be president with information not sited from CNN or TIME but rather a conclusive idea from that and other information that cannot easily be countered without another that did their homework.

Here’s a truth though to take through life. It’s a truth in any situation that can be used, as I did many a time to get ahead, is that in an argument the winner is not the last one talking but rather the one that knows the issue cannot develop any worth with whom they are speaking to. The problem maybe they do not know enough information or rather too much but none of is their own so the probability of getting any information out is already a null and void situation.

Yes, I took advantage of situations in which I knowingly convinced people that their thoughts and ideas are crap simply because they have no proof. While of course I have no proof either what-so-ever in my statements as mentioned before, the only way to gain an ounce of information is through deductive reasoning. Thank you Sherlock Holmes. It is this reasoning that I do not argue whether or not Iraq had WMDs but rather how the heck do you know? You have no idea as to what the government has and will be allowed to release. Has Watergate taught you nothing? Have the hundreds of other unknown conspiracies that existed and now proven true, since time has passed and it no longer matters, mean absolutely nothing. That perhaps there aren’t more? The shear fact that the Iraqi news released such information and if true has not any other main stream media, means the government truly can hold a gun to someone’s head and say, “Shut the f&%$ up about this or the trigger will be pulled.” Yes, I provided false information to tear apart anyone's information. That a simple story true or false still plays for me and against anyone else as I choose. I hate to say it but you’re wrong and I’m no more right than the direction…to your right. It is just I view the world for what it is and nothing more. I know. Other people believe. It is in this belief people will fail and in faith belief is not enough. Don’t let your life be based on the spoon fed media intel that continuously proves to be as correct as the atom being the smallest physical entity…until something else comes along.

Past: To Embrace or Erase

There are two types of people existing in this world. And we will discuss them tomorrow I just had to make sure I remembered this topic. I should be fresh enough that it won't seem I'm trying to force it, I hope.

Sounds good though doesn't it? I know. I think I have my first book idea.
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One's past is an existence that will never cease. The idea o simply moving on is preposterous and that anyone actually leaves their past behind is not true to themselves and therefore create a larger fake world by the Secondary Imagination as Coleridge once taught us.

Despite the simplistic ideas of Freud there was one before him that came along said, "Hey, I've got something simple that everyone will agree with but because I wrote it, it'll be so much more than anything else today." This great man is the Romantic poet Coleridge who really managed to put down on paper some great poems. His idea on the imagination is that it's divided into two halves. One is the "Primary Imagination" meaning that we as people can only see what's in front of us and it is what it is.

Pretty much kills the idea of even having an imagination but for the sake of the idea and the fake that in the late 1700's early 1800's you could say almost anything and it be considered profound.

Not to get too off track here, also to reach an foot stool for this entry, is the "Secondary Imagination" which is honestly no different than the "Primary" aside from a slight "degree" as Sammy put it. It's the ability to morph that reality before our eyes into something a bit more to appeal to us so that unlike the reality we always see and wish not to this is something that is not so bad. Instead of a person being lost forever they were indeed found and instead of death, there was a sidestep from an eternal ending.

This is the imagination many live by but alas cannot control, because of the "Primary"...

Way to go Sammy, I'm about to base my profound ideas off yours only because I just happened to read it the day after I came up with this idea and finished this the day after that. Darn you.

To continue, the "Primary imagination" is not fully there or lived in any way by the individual therefore because there is no reality there is nothing to create an alternate reality of so it's as obscured as a science fiction novel. These are the people that "erase" their past instead of embracing. The truth behind the "" is many but in this case of erasing the past is that they haven't therefore it's still there to haunt them. Past comes from the Middle English word "passen" meaning to past and ironically enough has come back into modern day English, with a slight change in spelling, you know it as "passin'" as in "I'm just passin' by." No jokes? Ok.

Back on topic, the idea is to never forget who your are or where you came from. It is those details that defines who you are. A person may not like to think so but the simplicity of it all is that just because you past spells out "trouble" does not mean you live up to it but rather you understand it. People should use what has been given to them and not reject it to only make the same mistakes again. "Falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem" coming from a wise man known as Arron Lewis or most may know him as the front man for Staind. People forget that in life there are problems and as such if you wish to live you need to fight the problems.

I like to think I embrace my past although there is much I still try to run from, only to come back with a car and ram it down. By this I mean there were some pretty annoying people in my life that I cared about and gave into just to help only to, as usual, be stabbed in the back. If I let that concern me enough I would not be where I am today. I know of the life I lived, I know o the mistakes I made, and I know the trouble I caused and seen. This is nothing for me to regret though or live in shame for because by doing such would be denying my life and that for roughly 8 years of my life it was meaningless, useless, and down right pointless in the whole scheme of things. Was it though? It got me to the center of ordeals and situations if I acted as expected I would have never achieved the influence I had on others. Ironically enough it was not a bad one. From the events I shared I actually had a very positive influence in how life can be lived or the way it should. If you knew me you would seriously wonder how this was possible but I did.

There was a sincerity in my actions, somehow, and the life I lived that I changed people's lives. Of course this was not something angelic and nothing Touched By An Angel as a halo did not appear with a bright light as not everyone believed, care, or bothered with what I spoke to them about. The thing is, find me one preacher, missionary, Christian or...zealot's the wrong word but you get where I'm going with this that can get to those people on a personal level by simple walking up to them and asking, "Have you found Jesus yet?"

No, this is nothing preachy, as I did not alway go straight into the idea of something greater, just the idea of a better path. All the while though I lived the life of...something less than moralistic so Constantine is a better comparison as after awhile I sometimes wonder if there was a balance in my actions. From all this I learned to connect with anyone as either being there, learning from, or seeing with my own eyes the lives of those no one tries or can connect with. Embracing my past has allowed me to the happy social person I am today knowing what's really out there and that it is possible to pull out of.

It's the lessons we learn and those we teach from our lives that matter and to erase your past mean you've either learned nothing or do not wish to pass on the news of what could be. The principle of it being totally selfish is not accurate at all as there is the behind the curtains truth, which is not the truth behind the truth, but rather the one hidden away, is that there are many that still need help. They need to see that "Primary imagination" that is reality and know what has happened and that they need to or have escaped from it. It's truth that can set us free if we wish to acknowledge it and by doing so, we upgrade ourselves to a new level that will ease the everyday struggles of life.

I hate to say it, but the life I lived allowed me to see how better my life truly was and not that I look down on people, but knowing about people are starving, abused, or just plain mistreated in anyway is different knowing of it as one relates to a more personal experience. It's this knowledge I hope to pass on throughout my life and creation of this new blog.

Don't ignore what life has shown you. There's a reason for it and it is this reason we must acquire knowledge of and live by and for. Reason is why we live, do you got one?

Forever Will Be

As I sit and think tonight...of last night. Well perhaps it was the night before. I'm unsure. I came to a realization of how much I miss writing. It truly is a magical thing and before falling into the much needed slumber required to perform the 8 hard labor hours to come in less than 3 hours, I started to ramble in my brain (as I often do) about life and what I've been missing.

Alas, I'm unable to remember the ramblings much like Coleridge, although I lacked the opium induced comatose sleep or any drug induced dreamland, I do feel I'm lacking in the area upon which I dreamed. Much like Coleridge though there's a thought and truth that lies behind the subconscious. Perhaps it was not the dream we were to write of but rather to write of losing the dream and therefore creating something. For Coleridge he created a magnificent poem titled "Kubla Khan: Or, a Vision in a Dram. A Fragment." that lead writers and artists alike to understand that all visions are not meant to be remembered but rather to learned from. There is a part of the message that is to be received, not the entirety of the sight.

For me there was a much more humble result, the start of a new blog and my attempts at columnistic writing once more. This will be my third online writing...um, journal? I'm not a big fan of blogs because when I was growing up there were no blogs but rather online journals or diaries. Blogging is some stupid liberal idealistic term conjured for the masses to associate with as life as it's no longer private anyhow therefore the idea of a diary or journal should stick to the prehistoric age of struggles to scribble and think as the scroll of words in your head run by faster than the cramped right hand of yours could write.

Sorry, was that a rant?

Truth is, I like the lay out. There, I said it. Let us move on now.

Marriage. It truly is something else and while the thought has truly escaped me, long into Canada I'm sure, there is something I wish to touch base on. It is not scary. I never believed it to be actually. (I'm sure as before, there will be much on love and faith here as there once was but not always in the specific and sometimes relating to my past, as it's possibly more extensive than some 30 year olds.) My thought of marriage, the proposal, dating in general, was the creation of comfort. While dating is nothing but a lie for some, once you get pass the whole "going out" phase and actually the achieve those wonderful IM titles of BF & GF, the idea is to be comfortable. Should you be able to crap while she takes a shower...no. Honestly that should never happen but comfort levels differ amongst people. Should you no longer care about sucking in your gut an possibly head to some location that requires your shirt off in public?

She already knows you have a few extra pounds. It's not like she never laid on your stomach before or patted you on the belly; the truth is already out there, the idea is for you to agree with it. The same goes for our female audience out there as it should be known we think your hot in some way or another or else we would have left by now. Get real, it's not like we do not see easily a hundred hot or hotter (yes I said it) girls a day but truth is they're probably a bunch of stupid, blonde, obsessive, jealous, stuck-up, pretentious, slutty, girls. Also we don't want to go to jail. AS for the legal ones, well, we already got through stage 1 with you after X amount of months, why start over?

It's sarcasm. You'll get used to it.

All relationships should, ideally, work the only thing in the way are the lies and initial false impressions. Know what your non-negotiables are, if you're Catholic I would suggest never being with a Buddhists. There will be issues. Now obviously the first date conversation should not include children, ideal city to live in, and 5 year plans. Well, maybe if you're over 30. Good luck by the way. There is a speed to approach such topics though and the quicker you know the sooner you know whether it's worth the gamble if your life or not. I've been, unknowingly, in relationships where she planned on ending it after school ended or a certain date because afterward, what's the point? Nice girl though, we keep in touch a lot. More me than here. A few emails here and there, never know what you'll get when you click on the "YOU'VE WON!!!" link. For some reason she keeps buying new computers.

About Me

What's up? I'm Nathan Carroll but you can call me Nate C. as it's how I sign about everything these days. I'm 21 and an independent photographer of Last Shot Photography. I've worked for companies such as The Picture People, TSS Photography, and JC Penny's Portrait studio shooting portraits, sports, and events. I also shot for Kodak at Cypress Gardens for the ski shows, Belle shoots, and other events there.

I've been raised as a military brat so I've traveled the world and have seen much from many perspectives. As such I've come to write, draw, and photograph my adventures so I'm an artist in many forms. Hoping to teach English and possibly write a few books, photography is still a number priority, I'm just realistic in that it may take awhile for my business to be ready as the sole income for me. Besides, I love writing and teaching so I'll always have the summer for all those weddings.

I started this site for fun and miss writing and being able to add photos will be a treat to keep up with events in my life. Thanks for looking and if you want to see just photos, my site is here at L.S. Photography.

-Nate C.